Hard goodbyes

*9.26 am*

I write this as Bryan Adam’s “Everything I Do” is playing on my phone. I’m sure you’d agree with me when I say goodbyes are hard. They sting. However and whoever they might be with. I remember having a huge gulp down my throat every time my cousins went back home after spending the summer vacations at my place. I remember how my heart yearned to be with mum for few more minutes when every morning she left me at daycare to go to work. I remember the tears I couldn’t stop when my grandparents died before my eyes. I hate when people have to leave because of some unavoidable reasons. It is a stinging feeling when you cannot do a single thing to stop them. You have to pretend to be okay with it when you are suppressing a dark cloud of emotions inside your miserable heart. Goodbyes suck. But, why am I talking about the “goodbyes” today? Well, someone very close to me is leaving. And it sucks.

The past week for me was pretty normal. I met with the manager of a hotel near my house where I will be hosting my parent’s 25th marriage anniversary soon. It went well and I almost finalised all the arrangements. I also painted a corner of the terrace at my house. I used all the bright colours and it looks quite attractive when the flowers and leaves sway with the summer breeze. I spent most of my afternoons, last week, at this spot, sitting on my swing chair and reading “Murder on the Orient Express” by Agatha Christie.

On Sunday, I decided to meet my cousins and practice a dance performance for the upcoming wedding of our eldest cousin. Dancing has always been my favourite hobby since the school days, mostly because I COULD dance. I can’t wait to perform with my cousins on the day of the wedding.

Also, I watched a Marathi movie called “Muramba”. It was a nice little film showing the story of a 20-something guy, his parents and his girlfriend who breaks up with him, in the first scene of the movie. The film very beautifully portrays the relationship of all the characters with each other. By the end of the film, I rediscovered how our parents are our first friends and how they can be our pillars of strength when we have lost all hope for ourselves. What this film very aptly shows is how sharing our fears and coming out of the comfort zone to achieve greater things in life is the only way we can succeed. We should never let go of the people who love us in spite of our fears and insecurities and always try to bring out the best in us. I could relate to this movie on so many levels.

The wedding dance practice, anniversary preparations and the painting have been helping me to ignore the really big thing I should be thinking about. The question- what to do next with life? Should I apply for a job? Will I even get it if I do? What if I don’t? And what if I do? Will I like it? Will I be happy? NO. I have no answers to these questions. I am trying to keep myself busy because I will have to face these questions someday soon and until then I’m going to be as shameless as possible.

(songs on my phone have shuffled and the end of “Feeling Blue” from the movie “Pyaar Ke Side Effects” slowly fades in the background)


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