we’re at the end of another cycle

*10.04 am* have you noticed how this isn’t a weekly Wednesday blog anymore but mostly a write-whenever-i-am-in-the-mood thing? No? Just me? Ok.

I am going to propose an idea today. A friend shared an instagram page with me this morning, about a girl who documents her everyday life, just basic chores and it’s nice to watch, I’m all for documenting life. As soon as I buy a new phone, I’m doing it. Old phone screen was cracked six months ago when I dropped it face down on a sort-of a drunk night. Sorry mom, these things happen when you do 22-year old sh*t at 27.

I want to write a short story but I’m waiting for an idea to spark, a voice to emerge, so urgent and desperate, that it demands to be written.

Can I let this blog update be a random collation of things I want to do and things that I wish happen to me? Yes.

I have taken upon a ‘word of the day’ challenge. Any one person is allowed to tell me a word everyday and I write 100 words around it. I share the first two here because it’s a real thing I’m doing and I want to show it.

#1 Blossom you say, I need clarity so I ask what you mean by it. Can be anything, like the blossoming of a flower, you say. I don’t like how basic an idea that is. Ok, then do something with it, it’s up to you, you say. I nod and type something about cherry blossoms and spring, secretly wishing you never get to read it or you will know that I am, in fact, basic. A single yellow light from the lamp on my desk. You strum the ukulele to Tum jab pass aati ho by Prateek Kuhad. Thanks for setting up a nice writing mood, I say. You smile and f#ck up the lyrics. At least the tune’s right, I say. You get fake annoyed. Shut up, you say. I laugh. I blossom.

#2 Embrace is pure serotonin when you wrap your arms around me// your eyes do it before you, every time you see me// mother’s tight welcome after another year away from her// grandmother follows it with a kiss on the eyes// dad taps on the head, says take care with a heavy voice, he is bad at goodbyes// her eyes fill up with tears, that childhood friend of mine, oh how difficult friendships are, that have lasted a while// the cat tries to escape as I squish her in mine// I embrace myself as I sleep tonight.

The importance of taking a Break

*5.07 pm* Back to work after a long and happy Diwali weekend.

Breaks are so damn necessary. I recently came across a video explaining how we tend to over work in order to achieve our goals & forget to pause & breathe. It made me realise that I often beat myself up over not doing enough & it ends up taking a huge toll on my health, both physical and mental. Of course, the highly competitive world we live in & the fear of lagging behind is the root cause of it. But it is also a choice that we consciously, repeatedly make.

No matter what field you are in, the stress and hustle is the same. We’re surrounded by technology that is moving faster than ever. It feels like life is just passing by and you are not doing enough to get on board the train. So you run too, to get there & you can’t stop, not now, not when everyone is running. You are simply going to miss out or worse, lose. It is maddening. A vicious cycle!

My parents tell me I am “over-ambitious” & I need to look after my health once in a while. And I agree. I am quite hard on myself when it comes to my career. But the need to be independent, to have a career of my choice and do equally (if not more) than what everyone around me is doing, is difficult to control. However, it ends up blurring the line between working to live & living to work. Read that again!

I had this moment of self-reflection a couple of days ago and the Diwali break couldn’t have come at a better time.

Spending time with my family last weekend made me realize that I needed to slow down. The stress of not doing enough was making me highly unhappy and I had become an emotional wreck. It was affecting all my relationships. I was angry all the time, had unreasonable mood swings, arguments & a whole lot of negativity leading to a continuous gloomy and dull mood.

During the 4-day Diwali break I completely forgot about work, about deadlines & what should be the next career move. I spent one whole day shopping, went for a day trip with some cousins on another and spent a spiritual evening praying with Mom – Dad on the evening of Diwali puja. I felt so peaceful & content after months.

I told myself that if I take out some time from my day to do what I love, or do nothing at all, I will not be missing out on anything. I will not lose. I might get there later than everyone else, but I will be happy when I do. I needed to de-stress & do it immediately.

So, I have a beautiful week planned ahead for myself. I will be reading two new books that I recently bought, go midnight cycling on the weekend and maybe even attend a dance workshop. Or you know what, I might just take a day-off & stay at home doing nothing, taking a breather.

It feels so good just writing about it. Can’t wait to update you all on how it goes.

~stay tuned~

First of May

*1.30 pm* It’s Labor Day, so most of the working population of the country is on leave (unlike me who’s been on leave for a month now). But I start my new job tomorrow, so yay!

Last week has been pretty weird for me. I spent most of my time counselling two of my cousin sisters about dating and relationships (am I even eligible?) One has fallen (and how!) for a sort-of a brother, someone she shouldn’t (obviously!) and the other is on a crazy dating spree after her on & off serious relationship (she says she wants to get drunk and hook up! Whaat!?) I have never felt so furious (is this how elder sisters feel?) at these two. I don’t understand why both of them are so eager to get their lives ruined? I know its the “stupid teenage hormones” (I wonder what I’d do if I have a teenage kid one day) but isn’t it getting really bad? Also, who am I to judge them? I’ve done my share of stupid things in my time. So I tried to sound all cool while talking to them and made sure that they know they can come to me for anything. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m really mad at them. Teenagers are dumb and they don’t really want to listen to your advice (now I know what mom must’ve gone through during all those years!) I just hope I haven’t scared them off by sharing their secrets here publicly because I’d still want them to come to me for advice. (Secretly hoping they don’t read this)

I also watched quite a lot of movies this week- some old classics and some recent ones out of which, The Tashkent Files was a highlight. I feel guilty and ashamed about how unaware and uninterested I have been in Indian politics and its history.  This movie struck the right chord. 

For someone who did not cast her vote in the recent LokSabha Elections because she just didn’t have an opinion (which I know should not be an excuse), I realized what a grave mistake I had done.

This movie got me curious about a number of things so I looked up and read a lot of articles and records about political issues, had a lengthy discussion with a friend and all of it made me realize the importance of every individual’s opinion. We really are responsible in shaping our country. Being ignorant towards politics only make us unfair to our selves and our country’s growth.

I decided to be a responsible citizen and take interest in whatever goes around in our nation. Most importantly, have an opinion. I decided that from now on I will actively exercise every right I have as an Indian.

While speaking about this to Apoorva, she said something apt and I quote “being woke on individual level in enough, if everyone does it’.

That sums it up!

I couldn’t be more ashamed of not having had this clarity before- ashamed of not having cast my vote, at least for NOTA (like I had done last time). This is my awakening. I am catching up and I’m going to keep up. Better late than never, right?

they’re talking marriage

I am a girl in her mid-twenties, Indian (with all due sanskars) and an only child to a financially sound couple ($$$) which most would consider a luxury- and who am I kidding, it is. I’ve never had to live in the conditions that my parents have grown up in, nor do I have to struggle to buy things I want (which are usually books, bags or shoes, just saying). I also hold a masters degree in Geology – currently useless (don’t get me wrong, I love the subject I just don’t use it anymore) but I am earning pretty well by writing stuff- so boom, there’s that! Also, both mum and dad’s families have played their part so bless the gene-pool, I have occasionally been complimented for my looks. Basically, I’m a good catch. A package, if you may.

Perfectly ready to be married off!

Like a freshly baked bread.

But I don’t understand the compulsive need of my relatives to get me married. What satisfaction are they going to get by making sure I’m settled with a Man? How will it make them happy if I get locked down and go through near-death pregnancies? (to make kids who will be equally arrogant btw, I mean look at the mother they’re getting)

They tell me that if I give it a try, I will get all I need- a guy who is respectful and kind, has a decent sense of humour, money and some average values that align with mine? A guy who can keep me happy (now define happy, will you?) and also make my parents happy. Well, I am sure such a guy exists, but as opposed to what I need, that is not what I want.

Why do all the relatives pile up their opinions about marriage when a girl is in her 20s? (Is this a mid-life crisis sort of a thing?)

They ask me for the kind of guy I’d like (as if its a dish I’ll be served). Tall, dark and handsome definitely doesn’t make the cut- they want the deets.

So now that they’ve bugged me with this, I would like to tell them that I want someone who doesn’t just send a “take care” message when I’m unwell, but gets medicines delivered to me to really make me better. I want someone who’d travel four hours just to be with me for one. Someone who’d always push me to be better in whatever I’m doing, makes realize my worth if I were to forget it on some days. Someone who can sit by me when I am crying on the bathroom floor. Someone I can pop pimples with, or stay up the entire night talking about serial killers. Someone to go around the world with, someone dad can play cricket with and mom cracks up with. Someone who would make an effort, always, because they know I do too. I desire a passionate love which is beyond the societal norms of what a marriage should be like. Get me a friend and a companion who is down to go through everything with me but also leave me be. A love that knows it has a feeble chance of survival and still wants to take that chance, every time. I desire a marriage of that sort. That’s my list. Please find a suitable groom, thank you.

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P.s. This post turned out to be quite different than what I had thought it would be. I am not sure if it even makes sense. Its the hormones guys, PMS is a b*tch! G’night.

a day in the life of…

It was just one of those mornings when you want to sleep in for 5 extra minutes. No matter how many times the alarm goes off, you snooze and pull the blanket over your head. Just 5 more minutes, you tell yourself. But the half-asleep mind doesn’t realize when 5 becomes 15 and the schedule goes to hell. You’ve already missed your usual bus at 9.30. The next one only comes 20 minutes later. You’re obviously going to be late at work and the manager is going to give you her usual dead stare, just like an angry cow.

All these thoughts crowd my mind as I roll from one side to the other, pulling up my soft, warm blanket. But, the thought of my manager’s dull face makes me want to wake up. I slightly open my right eye and see Ajay, sleeping calmly beside me. I hate that I have to wake up and go to work. For a moment, I envy him. And suddenly, my heart floods with guilt. I rush to check my phone lying on the bedside table. It shows one new message, but its the same one I get every morning.

‘Good morning beautiful (kiss) (kiss)’ the text reads. I stare at it blankly. I don’t know what to reply. I look at Ajay, the man I’ve been married for 19 years and I feel anxious. Suddenly, my 15-year-old daughter walks-in to the room and breaks my chain of thoughts.

“Mom, you up? I need to leave early. Do you know where my blue T-shirt is?” I am startled by her voice. I lock my phone and join her in finding her T-shirt.

** 20 days ago **

My phone beeps constantly as I am getting ready for work. I check the messages, they make me smile. “What a flirt!”, I think to myself. I look in the mirror, I can’t believe I am blushing. I recall her saying she liked my smile, especially the faint dimple on my left cheek. I remember telling her that it used to be clearer when I was younger. She had laughed, making my cheeks go red. I smile deliberately now, to see the dimple myself and blush, again.

I feel like a teenager, newly in love. It is unbelievable how she makes me feel. With her, I am not needed, I am desired. Around her, I don’t feel like I’m obliged to do anything. Nothing is a duty.

** 7 days ago **

“Do you really think that I am on both sides?” I ask. She places her hand in mine, our fingers intertwined. “I do not know about the other side and if you’ve fully been there or not. But you are definitely here, on my side, beside me” she says with a warm smile.

I am not convinced. I ask, “Then why do I feel settled when I am with my family? Ajay and the kids are my world. It is perfect. I have a perfect family. But why does this feel perfect too? I just don’t understand.”

She comes closer to me, our faces just a few centimeters away. I feel a burning sensation under my skin. I have goosebumps and my heart beats faster than usual. I can sense my breath becoming heavier as it bounces back from her soft brown skin. I realize how I’ve never felt this before. I’m shocked, but pleasantly. Her lips touch my right earlobe and she softly whispers, “it’s okay, I’m here, we’ll figure it out, ” and retracts to her seat. A playful smile appears on her face, for she knows what she just made me feel.

** present day **

I pack my lunch. The kids are already off to school and the maid has begun her work. Ajay is still in bed “lucky bastard”, I think. I rush to pick up my bag and the keys. I cannot afford another late mark. I curse myself for not waking up in time. Then I run down the stairs and decide to take an auto.

As I get inside the auto, my phone rings. It is her, again.

Unsure about what to say, I reject her call. Although I have come to accept that I could be on both sides, I must be really stupid to think that a beautiful young girl like her is interested in someone like me, a woman who at 44 is still discovering her sexuality. A woman who is the opposite of attractiveness with her slim ponytail, round glasses and a disappearing dimple. A woman who probably won’t love her back, because she simply doesn’t know what love is.

The auto halts outside my office gate. Another routine day begins.

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Tomorrow is the first Valentine’s Day in India since the LGBTQIA+ relationships were legally accepted in the country (decriminalisation of section 377). It makes me immensely proud that tomorrow, on the 14th of February 2019, Indians will be celebrating love for what love is, truly.

Feature image credits: Elena Feliciano on Pinterest

you are where you want to be

The infamous Kübler-Ross model says that there are five stages of grief. From Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, it could be a long journey.

The intensity or the sequence might differ from person to person. But, no matter what stage you’re at, the decision is in your hands, or more specifically, on your own mind. You dwell where you want to be & only you can decide how to move on to the next stage, one day at a time.

Recently, I found myself reading a lot of articles on how to move on and how to reach the stage of acceptance when something/ someone important from your life ceases. When a relationship fails, just like a loved ones’ death, it comes as a serious blow to your emotional and physical being. The stages can be tricky. At times, it just becomes difficult to understand what and where you went wrong. You keep going through it all in your head, multiple times, just to figure out a way you could have avoided it. There are also phases when you feel guilty and heartbroken over how you have been moving on so quickly, or haven’t been able to move on, at all. Although the textbook tricks help at times, there are nights when you lie on the bed like an octopus, looking up at the circular patterns the ceiling fan makes, for hours. There are mornings when you do not want to wake up because that will mean you have to face the reality again. And that is the last thing you want to do. But situations, things, and people change all the time. You are going to be disappointed way more than you’d expect. There are moments when you wish it was easier to deal with. But, it isn’t and there’s no way around it.

Sometimes, I feel like there is a huge wall before me. I want to get to the other side. But it seems impossible. I want to break it or make a hole to pass through it, but I simply don’t know how.

Occasionally, I feel like I am covered in dirty, wet brown grease. It smells awful and I cannot figure out how to wash it all away. Its sticky and you want it gone, but it just won’t go. Sometimes I think, the wall and the grease have been there all along. I remember thinking about it from time to time. It might have started when I was 18 and stupid. The wall was never really broken; the grease never washed off. I simply chose to ignore it and the people around me didn’t make me feel it.

But, it’s time to let it all go; to conquer the demons inside and wash off the muddy grease by standing under the shower, for a longer time than usual. It is time to let the guard down and explore, not just the outer world but also the inner self. It is time to break the wall by removing one brick after the other and creating a gate to the other side.

It is time to heal and let my surrounding heal too. I’ve had it in me to be stronger and better, and I still do. I just need to give it a chance, just one more day of waking up and facing the day. Just one more night of trying to not cry myself to sleep. 

You are where you want to be. 

The acceptance is coming.

Evolution, they call it.

Why are relationships so hard nowadays? Why do we fail at love every time, despite trying so hard? Why have humans suddenly become so inept at making relationships last? Have we forgotten how to love? Or worse, forgotten what love is?

We’re not prepared. We’re not prepared for the sacrifices, for the compromises, for the unconditional love. We’re not ready to invest all that it takes to make a relationship work. We want everything easy. We’re quitters. All it takes is a single hurdle to make us crumble to our feet. We don’t let our love grow, we let go before time.

It is not love we’re looking for, only excitement and thrill in life. We want someone to watch movies and party with, not someone who understands us even in our deepest silences. We spend time together, we don’t make memories. We don’t want the boring life. We don’t want a partner for life, just someone who can make us feel alive right now, this very instant. When the excitement fades, we discover nobody ever prepared us for the mundane. We don’t believe in the beauty of predictability because we’re too blinded by the thrill of adventure.

We immerse ourselves in the inconsequentials of the city life, leaving no space for love. We don’t have time to love, we don’t have the patience to deal with relationships. We’re busy people chasing materialistic dreams and there’s no scope to love.

Relationships are nothing more than convenience.

We look for instant gratification in everything we do – the things we post online, the careers we choose, and the people we fall in love with. We want the maturity in a relationship that comes with time, the emotional connection that develops over years, that sense of belonging when we barely even know the other person. Apparently, nothing’s worth our time and patience – not even love.

We’d rather spend an hour each with a hundred people than spending a day with one. We believe in having ‘options’. We’re ‘social’ people. We believe more in meeting people than getting to know them. We’re greedy. We want to have everything. We get into relationships at the slightest attraction and step out, the moment we find someone better. We don’t want to bring out the best in that one person. We want them to be perfect. We date a lot of people but rarely give any of them a real chance. We’re disappointed in everyone.

Technology has brought us closer, so close that it’s impossible to breathe. Our physical presence has been replaced by texts, voice messages, snapchats and video calls. We don’t feel the need to spend time together anymore. We have too much of each other already. There’s nothing left to talk about.

We’re a generation of ‘wanderers’ who wouldn’t stay at one place for too long. Everyone is a commitment phobic. We believe we’re not meant for relationships. We don’t want to settle down. Even the thought of it is scary. We cannot imagine being with one person for the rest of our lives. We walk away. We despise permanence like its some social evil. We like to believe we’re ‘different’ than the rest. We like to believe we don’t conform to social norms.

We’re a generation that calls itself ‘sexually liberated’. We can tell sex apart from love, or so we think. We’re the hook-up-break-up generation. We have sex first and then decide if we want to love someone. Sex comes easy, loyalty doesn’t. Getting laid has become the new getting drunk. You do it not because you love the other person, but because you want to feel good. It’s all the temporary fulfilment we need. Sex outside relationships isn’t a taboo anymore. Relationships aren’t that simple anymore. There are open relationships, friends with benefits, casual flings, one-night stands, no strings attached – we’ve left very little exclusivity for love in our lives.

We’re the practical generation who runs by logic alone. We don’t know how to love madly anymore. We wouldn’t take a flight to a far-off land just to see someone we love. We’d break up because, long distance. We’re too sensible for love. Too sensible for our own good.

We’re a scared generation – scared to fall in love, scared to commit, scared to fall, scared to get hurt, scared to get our hearts broken.

We don’t allow anyone in, nor do we step out and love anyone unconditionally. We lurk from behind walls we’ve created ourselves, looking for love and running away the moment we really find it. We suddenly ‘cannot handle it’. We don’t want to be vulnerable. We don’t want to bare our soul to anyone. We’re too guarded.

We don’t even value relationships anymore. We let go of the most wonderful people for ‘the other fishes in the sea.’ We don’t consider them sacred anymore.

There’s nothing we couldn’t conquer in this world, and yet, here we are ham-fisted at the game of love – the most basic of human instincts.

Evolution, they call it.

Found this interesting write up in the archives of my mailbox.

It is oh so apt, I had to share it.

(Author-Anonymous)

Heartbreaks

You have called me at 4. So, I get ready by sliding into my favourite pair of jeans and a plain white t-shirt. I decide to keep the hair loose, apply a little kohl in the eye and grab a brown leather bag. It is carrying nothing but it completes the look. I like how my hair swirls when I run towards the shoes. I slip into the new pair of flats I recently bought and glance once more in the mirror before I leave. I like how excited I feel to meet you. Now the clock shows 4 and I realize am late. I know how punctual you are and will be waiting. But, I also know you won’t mind.

Still, I hurry. I rush to an auto outside my house and ask the driver to take me to the CCD.

When I enter, I see you sitting in the far corner reading the menu card. I walk towards you as you look up and smile a little. Your smile has always been my favourite thing about you. Today, however, it feels empty. I sit beside you as you ask me what I’ll like to order. I gush, “Americano”.

You order and return in a minute.

I don’t wait to ask. “What’s wrong?”  I say, “Why did you call me up so urgent?” I complete.  You make a sad face. Well, its natural I assume, you don’t make faces when you’re sad.  “She broke up” you look across. I feel a pinch in the stomach. “Oh” is all I manage to say. You need to give me more of it to react anything. “She likes someone else.  She told me she doesn’t love me anymore. After all our days together, how could she just walk away so easily?” you say, as you look at me with welled up tears. “She says I have become a habit and wants a break from it.” I sit dumbfounded. “I…I understand but you have to be strong.” I mutter. “How could she like someone else after all the years of being in love with me? How could she even think that she would break my heart like this?” you continue, without paying attention to any of the ‘umm hmm’ I do in between. “I see them walking together every day in college. It hurts like anything. I cannot believe she shares her laughs with someone else. I can’t share her. She is mine” you pause. I realise how deeply heartbroken you are.

Our coffee arrives. The guy, who serves us, gives us a weird look. He has noticed the tears in your eyes too. You have nothing to do with the world though. You are just putting your heart out and you have all my attention again.

But that grey checked shirt you are wearing, and your perfectly ruffled hair, the baggy blue jeans and white soiled sneakers, everything about you is irresistible; makes me just stare at you and admire you.

“She had beautiful long hair. I remember how she always left them dancing with the wind” you tell. I wonder if my hair reminded you of that. But I dismiss the thought. “I really love her. I can’t see her with him every day.” You are saying.  “I remember her skin, that black spot near her lip, and how beautiful she looked when she smiled. All our memories are so special. I just can’t begin to hate her or forget her.”

I am sipping my coffee in intervals; nodding as I listen. My right hand is resting upon yours. I simply want to let you know I am always there for you in every way. But, I don’t think you’ve ever gotten the clue. And I am sure you won’t get it even now. “Stay strong! It’s her misfortune that she couldn’t take your love.” I say. Right now, I want to do everything that will make you calm and comfortable to help you forget the sorrow of your girlfriend of six years breaking up with you.

You’ll move on, I know.

I have moved on from you too.

You pay the bill at the counter. We get up and walk out of the café.